Off late the phrase
"Almost" has been circulating my mind heavily.
I have always been
thankful for everything I have in my life, from my heart. I always felt this
was a good thing, that we need gratitude to generate gratitude. More so, I
wanted to be thankful for I felt blessed.
Not so much…
I realize that my
acceptance of the status quo has not been a good thing. That going with the
flow is not a good thing. That being there for people and accepting their
quirks and them with it is definitely not a good thing.
For me.
When did I become a
non entity in my own sphere ? When did I become some one on whom one could put
the blame on and walk off ? When did I become someone who you could pass a
judgment on and get away with it ? When did I become the spare wheel ? Some
thing you do need but not want.
I don't know when
this transformation happened to be fair. I had as much "normal" life
as the person next to me. I also had wants and desires and anger and needs and
choices and a plethora of options.
And then life played
a few master strokes.
From a pretty
person, I became an almost ugly one. From some one with a lot of friends, I
became friendless - almost. From a
successful professional, I became an almost survivor. From a happy-go-lucky
person I became an almost morbid monstrosity. From a person who could sleep any
time , any where, I became a person who could almost sleep a couple hours in a
day- almost. From a very confident person, I almost hit existential crisis.
From someone who was
in a healthy, happy and contented relationship, I almost became an irritation.
From once having a
Midas touch, I almost became a failure.
Such is the
landscape these days. Its this great
feeling of nothingness. The déjà vu of unwantedness.
I am a fatalist; big
believer on destiny. Is this it ? Is this my destiny ?
Hanging in there by
a thread.
Almost; yes, almost.
