Thursday, September 3, 2015

Almost

Off late the phrase "Almost" has been circulating my mind heavily.

I have always been thankful for everything I have in my life, from my heart. I always felt this was a good thing, that we need gratitude to generate gratitude. More so, I wanted to be thankful for I felt blessed.

Not so much…

I realize that my acceptance of the status quo has not been a good thing. That going with the flow is not a good thing. That being there for people and accepting their quirks and them with it is definitely not a good thing.

For me.

When did I become a non entity in my own sphere ? When did I become some one on whom one could put the blame on and walk off ? When did I become someone who you could pass a judgment on and get away with it ? When did I become the spare wheel ? Some thing you do need but not want.

I don't know when this transformation happened to be fair. I had as much "normal" life as the person next to me. I also had wants and desires and anger and needs and choices and a plethora of options.

And then life played a few master strokes.

From a pretty person, I became an almost ugly one. From some one with a lot of friends, I became friendless - almost.  From a successful professional, I became an almost survivor. From a happy-go-lucky person I became an almost morbid monstrosity. From a person who could sleep any time , any where, I became a person who could almost sleep a couple hours in a day- almost. From a very confident person, I almost hit existential crisis.
From someone who was in a healthy, happy and contented relationship, I almost became an irritation.
From once having a Midas touch, I almost became a failure.

Such is the landscape these days.  Its this great feeling of nothingness. The déjà vu of unwantedness.

I am a fatalist; big believer on destiny. Is this it ? Is this my destiny ?
Hanging in there by a thread.


Almost; yes, almost.